Change of seasons
by Jinxgirl
Summary: A look from each character's perspective through the seasons of the show. Odd format, not exactly a story so much as a series of monologues.
1. Chapter 1

Author notes: This goes season to season of Buffy, having a short humorous account from characters' point of view from each season, summing up the character as a person and some of the events of the season. Each season has the core four- Buffy, Willow, Xander, and Giles- plus and extra character or several for each individual one.

Season one

Buffy: Oh god, being the Slayer SUCKS. All I wanna do is be a normal girl- NORMAL, like really normal, with the boy talk and manicures and dates, not just some girl pretending to be normal when really I'm just a freak who kills fangy undead things. I just want to be a cheerleader, I just want to be able to go out and have fun and not worry about having to turn around and shove a stake in some nasty dead guy trying to ruin my night like they can't seem to resist doing. I don't WANT to fight the monster of the week every time some new dead body turns up. They're gross and have really bad fashion sense- hello, we're in the twentieth century people, capes and plaid pants are no longer chic- and they don't even appreciate my carefully planned puns. Plus they make me look like this way out of control chick who tears off limbs and burns down gyms when I'm pissed off, and that totally isn't me- do I look like one of those chicks who flips out and kills people for no reason? I don't wear all black or underline passages in The Catcher in the Rye… whatever.

The thing about this stupid Slayer business making me look like a psycho killer girl type is that EVERYONE thinks that. And besides making me not exactly candidate for homecoming queen ever again, it makes my mom watch me like a falcon, or whatever sharp-eyed bird the saying says. As if my life doesn't suck enough, never being able to do anything like a normal person, you know that quiet, kinda annoying-but-very-sexy guy always lurking around with the cool leather jacket…the one I could definitely get with? Yep, he's a vampire, of course. With a soul, yeah, but still… my boyfriend has had a freakin' bicentennial.

This sucks so bad… and I'm not just talking about the vamps here. I mean, I'm blonde, I'm young, I'm cute…and I hack things to pieces without even getting paid for it. Does anyone else see the fairness in that?

Giles: Buffy Summers is a positively insufferable child at times. She is insolent, reckless, impatient, and never appears to find it necessary to heed my instruction as her Watcher. She certainly does not train as a Slayer should, whether in fashion or time and effort, and as for studying? The girl seems to barely be literate, and she simply spouts off one of her ever-ready little witticisms if I should suggest such a thing. She has a simply appalling sense of style, not seeming to understand that clothing is generally designed to cover the body in a fashion that does not render it entirely without dignity, and the rubbish she calls "music"…

And yet… Buffy could be quite a fighter, quite a Slayer, if she would only apply herself. She has a natural ability, natural gifts and skills, and if she would simply learn to use them… and despite all her cheekiness, all her defiance, and the ways in which the American culture has made her like any other infuriating child of her era and country, I find myself growing oddly fond of her the longer we are together… she could grow to be quite a woman under my guidance.

If she would only /stop/ with that bloody prattle at times…

Willow: This is so cool...I, Willow Rosenberg, actually have a cool life right now, even if no one else would ever believe it…hehe, I'm undercover cool! Isn't that cool!?

But, I mean, for a girl like Buffy to even pay attention to me… she's so pretty and she could be really popular if she wanted to, she's not like me at all. I mean even Cordelia wanted to be her friend, Cordelia is the most popular and rich girl in Sunnydale and she thought Buffy could be one of her friends… Cordelia would /never/ think that about me, if she even looked at me it would be to tell me to get out of her way and that my dress is ugly or something. Buffy could hang out with anyone she wanted to, she could have much cooler friends than me…but she wants to hang out with /me/. She likes /me/…she's /my/ friend… and I'm her friend, I'm her /best/ friend. That is just so cool…who would have thought that little old me would be friends with a Slayer?! Fighting creatures of darkness and evil badness… that's me. Sort of…I mean, I'll leave the fighting to Buffy, that I still need work on…

Xander: Buffy is so awesome! She's hot- can't forget that one if you've got eyes- and she's funny, and she's cool, and she totally kicks bad guy butt. Which is very awe-inspiring, even if it's also sort of intimidating…

I so want to be her. But not as a girl- not because she's a girl! I definitely don't want to be a girl. Not that' there's anything wrong with girls, they are very very nice to look at, and I am definitely pro-girl-existence…I just don't want to be one. Anyway- I just want to be able to be /like/ her, is what I meant…all witty and suave and cracking jokes that people actually laugh at, staking the evil undead without falling on my face in the process. But hey, she likes me anyway at least…

She could so like me if it weren't for that stupid Angel guy and his stupid I'm-such-a-deep-sensitive-broody-creature-who-happens-to-like-to-suck-your-blood act. Why do girls always go for guys like that?! Well, not the blood-sucking thing- even though they don't seem to mind that either the way people get killed by vamp dates every other day- but sensitive-mysterious thing? I could be sensitive and mysterious too!

Well…if it wasn't so hard to stop talking about things and cracking jokes. But someone's gotta be the funny one, right? That's MY superpower…I like to think…stop looking at me!

Cordelia: Oh my god, what is WITH this Buffy chick?! She just comes in here and thinks she knows it all, she thinks she can just take over the whole school and all the men… she is SUCH a loser. Why does anyone even look at her? Whatever- like she could really ever be more popular than me, please! Like anyone other than boys like Jesse or Xander Harris could ever like her…with those clothes, and that hair, and those stupid dorky friends…I mean, come on, Willow Rosenberg and Xander Harris?! What was I thinking, thinking she could ever be a friend of MINE?! I must have been half retarded that day, or suffering heat stroke or something…

And she's always getting in all these fights, and everywhere she goes, people end up like blind, or invisible, or dead or something… she's like a jinx or something. What. A. Freak.


	2. Chapter 2

Season two

Buffy: Okay, well, guess there's no getting out of this Slayer thing…still doesn't mean I have to like it. Same old same old- find the fangy things, kick 'em around cracking ribs and puns, and send them into dust…no big deal, right? Yeah, except for the total disruption of having anything you could call a life. Oh well, no loss there when you're the CHOSEN ONE…I just want to know why they chose me to torture over all the other girls in the world. Did I just have some kind of sign saying "this one right here, she looks like the type to want to have the rest of her life revolve around sucking things of all manners?"

Whatever… at least I have people to back me up here. Giles isn't as bad as he used to be, or maybe I'm just getting used to him babbling English at me all the time by now. Will and Xander are great, and even Cordy is nearly okay at times…please don't let on that I ever said that though, it would undoubtedly conjure up her bitch act of the century to prove me wrong. But even with all that, it's not enough.

They're not enough for me. They don't understand, even if they try, they will never be able to get what it's like to be me, what I go through every single day…I mean, yeah, bad things happen to them, but not like they happen to me. It's the not the same. They lose people and they get hurt, but they can walk away from it at any time. They think this is exciting, they think this is /fun/…but they're not the ones who have no choice but to do this, who will keep doing this and doing this until they die. They didn't fall in love with the most amazing man on the planet and then watch him go evil all because of them…they didn't have to shove a sword through him and send him to hell and know they would never see him again, never have anyone love them, never be normal, never have anything at all but pain and misery and death and-

Okay…okay…calming down…deep breaths…I can't stand any of this. They don't need me and I can't do this…I need to go. I just have to get away…I can't be this anymore. I can't do this. It's not like they're better off with me anyway…

Giles: I only wish that it were possible for things to have gone differently…I despise this, knowing what these children must go through, what Buffy has undergone and must be undergoing still. She is my Slayer, yes, but I care for her in a way that is a bit more conducive than in the Slayer/Watcher relationship, than it would generally be, as with the late Slayer Kendra and her Watcher Zambuto. I have watched her grow in strength and character, and I cannot fault her for either. Nor can I criticize her for the mistakes she has made along the way, for they are the mistakes not of a child, but of a young woman acting out of love and lack of knowledge- mistakes neither foolish or reckless. I know her desire for normalcy, sense the beginning of her acceptance of her inability to have this, and I cannot blame her for these…

This has been a terrible year…one that no training can prepare one for as a man, let alone as a Watcher. To watch children I have come to care for suffer in the hands of one such as Angelus, the worst of the worst vampires…to see my Slayer broken in a way I have never witnessed previously…to see Jenny, my Jenny, so savagely and uncaringly destroyed in the face of an evil being's game…such pain I have never before experienced, and am certain I will never fully overcome. The torturing of the vampiress Drusilla may have been physically brutal, but the lasting damage I am afraid was that which leaves no marks…

I knew that Buffy would be strong enough in herself to defeat Angelus…the question that troubles me now is whether she, wherever she is now, is defeated in her own spirit as well.

Willow: I always thought that growing up would be exciting, that I would start "coming into my own" like adults were always saying I would in middle school…but if this is it, I really don't know if I like it so much. It's scary…in the good ways as well as the bad. Yes, I have a boyfriend now-and he's even a cool one in a band, can you believe that?!- but there are all the questions about love and dating and smoochies…and of course, he's a werewolf too, but that's not really a big deal compared to other things. I've given up on Xander ever loving me now that I have Oz- but now he's dating CORDELIA, and that's just weird and wrong and bad in all possible ways of wrongness. I'm Buffy's best friend- but she doesn't always tell me everything that's going on with her, and I don't always feel like I can really help her at all. I'm teaching a class now all by myself, I'm really starting to get people's notice…but it's because Miss Calendar was murdered by Angelus. I'm starting to work with magic, I did my first really big spell…but it's the one that failed where it really needed not to, and I couldn't get Angelus's soul back.

Everything's changing so fast, and I'm not sure I like it, I'm not sure I want any of it if this is what has to happen to balance the good things… and now that Buffy's gone I don't know how we're going to do any of this. Can we really be okay without the Slayer? I miss her…but not just because the whole Slayer thing, I don't care about that. I mean, I do, it's nice to have someone strong and power-girl killing all the vampires, but I miss HER…I miss Buffy. And she's just left us now…I know she's had a hard time, but doesn't she need us at all? Doesn't she need me?

Xander: Wow…I'm obviously way more attractive than I thought…women just can't keep themselves away from my slick charms this year. Okay, well, the one time it was a spell…but still, not every day you have the Buffster following you around with nothing but a robe one. Okay, bad thoughts, bad, bad thoughts… think chocolate. Think video games…oooh Lara Croft in the video games…Buffy in Lara Croft gear in video games…NO! Cordy in Lara Croft in- NO!

Snyder. Think Snyder…Snyder…*shudders* Okay it's gone.

Where was I? Oh right…about my manly attractiveness. Well clearly it's there, or else Impata wouldn't have been so pleased with me, right? And Cordy…I SO didn't see that coming…and our…thing…is just kind of a thing…but it's- well you know what? It's there for now, I don't' have to talk about it like I understand it do I? Do I look like I get it to you?

She's hot though…good kisser…and sometimes if we don't talk for a minute or two I can almost pretend she cares about what I'm thinking…

You know though, I still think I could have had Buffy if it wasn't for Angel Broody-Fangs. And look how that one turned out- he goes evil and slaughters everyone in sight. I saw that coming, I warned her. Well, not so much as I saw it as I just knew she shouldn't be with him…good riddance. Hope he burns for what he did to Miss Calendar…and to Willow…and to Buffy.

I hope she's planning on coming back…yeah, of course I'm with Cordy now, so not for that reason- mostly- but she's my friend…I'm kinda worried. Maybe she just needs a break a while…but it's been a long while…

Oz: Not too bad here in Sunnydale. Vampires and evil, but I'm a werewolf so *shrugs*. Willow is amazing…as long as she's here, so am I.

Spike: The bloody Slayer bollixed up everything. I take Dru back here to get herself right again, and what happens? Blondie goes and falls in love with that ponce who calls himself Angel, makes him lose that ping-pong of a soul of his all over again so he comes right back to muck around with my Dru. Destroy the world, he says- very bloody likely, did the stupid git ever think that maybe some of us big bads rather like living in the world? Not likely to find a lot in hell to have fun with now are we? Destroying the Slayer would be a better goal, but the sodding idiot can't seem to do that one either. Getting soft in his old age… what do I care though, he's back in hell again, and I've got my Dru. I'll make her come around again, show her a good time, some good girls to dine on…she always forgives and forgets. Maybe if I give her a good torturing…

Drusilla: It's so lovely to be strong again…like a heavy blanket of unbearable light has been lifted from my being, and I am able to move in the darkness with pleasure once more. I can feel it all so strongly now, see the exquisite pain and ecstasy of what is to come…my Daddy will help me, he's so very strong, he knows what I know, what I see. My love doesn't understand, he doesn't see, he's very jealous of my daddy, but I have room for two…if they play nice. Bad little boys get no dinner, but lots of presents, lots of dessert, says Miss Edith, and they are very good if they listen. The Slayer sees it, she knows, but she will not understand, she will not stop my fun.

We're going to destroy the world…what fun it will be to hear the screams of agony, to see the faces distorted in such a lovely way…I cannot wait! *claps*

Angelus: To think that he loved her…love is for the weak and the foolishly romantic, and Angel was certainly those. There is no love but rather pleasure, pleasure and the ecstasy of pain and desire…of passion. And all of those I wish to stir in the Slayer…I will watch her suffer, and I will enjoy it with an appreciation for my own genius, the art of my own designing. For she is a challenge…she is not Spike, who reeks of the humanity and emotion he has never been able to rid himself of, nor Drusilla, so easily predictive and bent to my will…though both are amusing in their own way. She is my favorite opponent, my only true challenger…and she will be so invigorating to destroy.


	3. Chapter 3

Season three

Buffy: Well, there might be something to being the Slayer after all… it's got some definite perks. Besides the whole strength, stamina, and ass-kicking skills, it makes us different…makes us stronger. But does that make us better…what does it mean? Being a Slayer…being a human being, a young woman…being in love, and being loved… what does any of that really mean?

I'm not sure…I don't know about any of it. All I can go by is how I feel, what I think is right. Faith says that we are better, that we should be able to get away with anything, take whatever we want and need, because it's our right…she says we're balanced out by the good we do, by all the times we've saved people, sacrificed our comfort for them. But that doesn't feel right to me…that feels like an excuse, like a reason for letting yourself sink into a darkness I want no part of. Okay, well, to be honest, I can't say that I haven't wanted it before…I can't say that I haven't felt the pull of being a "bad girl," of letting myself just go, doing whatever I want with whoever I want whenever and not worrying about the consequences…because I can. Because I have that ability…not to mention bad girls always get to look way hot. Not that I think Faith's hot! I mean, she's, she's attractive, but I would never think about her /that/ way…really. Because I'm not that way. Not that there's anything wrong with that, it's a very valid lifestyle choice, but I'm with Angel and I love him even if I can't have sex with him again, and he is all I'll ever want. Even if he does seem to be pulling away from me…but he's all I want, still! Not Faith. Okay? Okay.

Anyway…like I was saying…I am sort of attracted to the idea of giving into Faith's view on things sometimes. But at the same time, I can't…I can't let myself, and I won't let Faith if I can help it. I'm not sure she really understands what she's doing, what she's done… maybe deliberately, maybe not. Maybe she doesn't want to, maybe it's just an excuse so she can live with what she's done… but whatever it is, she's wrong. We're not better…we're not above everyone else. We're Slayers, not killers… and I don't want to cross that line. I can't cross it…I've seen what it's done to her, and I could never become that.

It's been so confusing this year…it's hard to know who to go to, what to say and what to keep to myself…sometimes it seems like I'd be better off alone, like that's what being the Slayer is really going to come down to in the end. I mean, I know Mom knows what I am now, and she's trying, but I'm still a little girl to her…I could never talk to her about anything having to do with this. Giles doesn't get it and never will…Willow, Xander, I love them, they're my friends, but they could never understand either. They have their lives and that's the only way they can see things, from their less freaky points of view…and I don't want to get them hurt. Even Angel doesn't seem to see things the way they really are. I thought for a little while that maybe Faith…she's the only other Slayer, the only one who could really know what we live. But now she's pulled away too, seems to be backing off further into denial of what's happened, what we did, and I don't know what to do.

Everyone is so worried about graduation, about getting into the real world, their senior year… they don't seem to get that it's just as hard in high school as it is out there. For me anyway…they can all leave, go off to their college and their jobs and their family raisings and whatever… where am I? Back here, Sunnydale, fighting off demons on a typical day's work. It's not so much that I'm doing it that bothers me…it's that I don't have a choice. I'm eighteen here, I'm growing up…but I'm not allowed to move on.

Giles: The new Slayer Faith seems quite a change from Buffy…though no doubt made of the same basic Slayer cloth, her style in fighting and instincts, her personality and outlook on the Slayer role, differ extraordinarily. In no way does this make her any less of a fighter, rather, simply different…it's quite intriguing to watch them work together. It's interesting as well that Buffy seems simultaneously to be wary of her, to become, in Faith's presence, possessive of the Slayer role she had always before resented, and also to be drawn to her in a way that seems instinctive, perhaps even unconscious. Their work in slaying seems complimentary and synchronatic even with their differing styles, and they seem aware of each other in a manner different than their awareness of others. Perhaps there lies some connection of sorts, with their shared Slayer bondage… it shall remain to be seen in the future how this will play out.

Faith is as unconventional a Slayer as Buffy, if in another manner. She too does not do well with instruction and tradition, and if anything is even more impatient and reckless than Buffy. It is difficult to extract personal information of any kind from her, though I admit that I have seldom tried very hard; I do have her files from her previous Watcher, sent to me by the Council after her death, and I know that she is two years younger than Buffy, and some of the horrors she has seen in her short time as a Slayer- and even before- are a sobering thing to read about, let alone hear from the child's lips herself. With my knowledge of this, and Faith's own difficult, closed off personality, it is hard for me to know how to treat her, in what ways I should be caring for her as a Slayer. She is not in truth my Slayer at all, nor is Buffy any longer… and though I am doing what I can for the both of them, I am afraid I am failing both miserably.

This is the most difficult time that has come for me in my duration as Buffy's Watcher, for we are at a crossroads, a turning point of sorts. I am no longer my Watcher, and she is eighteen, no longer needs answer to me if she so wishes- not that she ever did so anyway. She has betrayed me, in her liaisons with the returned Angel, and I have betrayed her, in my participation in her Cruciamentatum… and yet we have returned to a mutual respect for each other, based not merely on the Watcher/Slayer relationship. I love her now not only as my Slayer, as a child I have tried my best to guide, but as my daughter…and I like to think that she loves me almost as a father. She is pulling away from me, away from everyone, in a way that I suppose is natural for a young woman growing into her own…but something tells me that there is more to it, more than simply her attempts to come into her own. She /is/ coming into her own, and I am very proud of her…I only hope that she, and that the irrepressible Faith by association, will not let whatever it is that seems to be affecting the both of them go too far until she cannot handle it…

Xander: And I just thought that /last/ year the ladies were all over me…this year…WHOA! James Bond is knocking on /my/ door for the advice with the romance…okay…well maybe it wasn't all romantic, and maybe four girls isn't all that much…but still. FOUR girls for the X-Man isn't bad at all. Excuse me, scratch that, not "not bad"…it's breaking the hall of fame world records for Xander girl loving and sex- especially since it's the first year I ever /had/ girl loving and sex…

Okay…so maybe that's an exaggeration…well, it definitely is. I only had sex with one girl…once…and it's really kind of a blur now. But it was Faith! FAITH had sex with ME…and that has to count for something, right? I mean, when she first came into town with all the naked alligator wrestling stories and the shoulder knocks that about knocked me out on the ground- she's really strong, that does NOT mean I'm a wimp...really!- I knew she kinda liked me. I could see it in her eyes. And now that we've made love…I know she really must care about me. She's just not the kind of girl who knows how to show it, that's all…when she kicked me out of bed naked, that's just her way of saying she's uncomfortable showing what she feels. But I know she really likes me, I can see it in her eyes. I think we have this connection now…I'll have to see how it goes, work my way up in her trust…I can do it. After all, I'm much more manly and desirable this year…don't give me that look! I am…mostly.

But as if a Slayer wasn't enough- and that is still mind-blowing to think that I had sex with a Slayer- there was that weird thing with Will, and now this chick Anya, and of course I was dating Cordy too… I mean, the thing with Will, that was totally a mistake. A fluke. I don't feel good about that one at all, I wish it had never happened, that I had never hurt Cordelia like that… and that she hadn't had to get hurt physically too because of us. And it will never happen again. But still…it does mean that Willow wanted me too, and that I did kiss her- and after the first time she still wanted more. NOT that that was good!

And Anya…she is one very weird chick. Not even a chick really, ex-vengeance demon person type… but she wants me too. Is there something about me that screams out for supernatural beings to fall in love with me? Or am I just that good this year?

Of course, the one person who doesn't want me and never will…not that I want her too, of course, not anymore, because- well, just because I don't, that's all, no real reason- is with The Big Broody. Even after sending him to hell the guy still keeps coming back, like a zombie or a bad penny or one of those zits that just keeps popping up in the same exact place no matter if you use that face cream stuff or not. And even though he can't even sleep with Buffy or be happy he's STILL with her, still hogging her like the selfish undead thing he is…and she's still so wrapped up in him that she blocks us all out now, won't even tell us what's up. She LIED to us…Angel has gotten to her so much that she lied to us. I know everything's different now, that he has a soul or whatever and she says she won't be with him again…but what if she ends up doing it anyway? What would happen then if Angelus came back? We don't need another threat like that, someone trying to kill us all again…

Well I could always ask Faith to stake him. I'm sure she'd be glad to. SHE'S a Slayer who has her priorities straight as far as the bad things go…

Willow: I love Oz. I do, I really, really do. And I would /never/ want to hurt him…but that's exactly what I did. I mean, I love Xander too, but not like that…at least, not anymore. And I can't believe we did that, I can't believe I did that, that I would be one of those horrible skanky girls who breaks up couples and lies and just goes around skanking up everything she sees…that's, that's FAITH'S job, how did /I/ get into that…

But I did, and I broke them up, Xander and Cordelia, and she ended up with a rebar through her stomach, and it was all my fault…I'm so sorry for that. And still Oz doesn't hate me, he's still with me, even though I'm a horrible bad slut girl… I so don't deserve him. I deserve punishment… well for now Xander and I need to stay far, far away from each other, talking only about demons and other vicious, important, non-sexual things. Things that won't give us ANY desire to kiss or give looks of any kind that are not good. Like ones that notice how good he looks in that shirt he wore the other day, or in that tux at homecoming-

So anyway, no, no thoughts on that…magic. I'm getting really good at the magic lately, or at least I think so, way better than I was last year… my spells are almost fifty/fifty now! I think with more practice I could really get to be a pretty good witch, maybe…it's exciting, but kind of scary. I wonder how far I can really go with all this?

It's not just my relationship with Xander that's changed now though…not my RELATIONSHIP, I don't mean that, we don't have a relationship of any kind! I mean, we do, but it's a friendship, not a relationship…there is nothing relationshippy about it anymore at all! Nothing….uh, yeah though…my friendship with Buffy has changed too. Sometimes I feel like she doesn't think I'm important at all anymore, that she doesn't need me or want me around, doesn't want me to help her… she keeps saying how she doesn't want me getting hurt, that it's too much for me, but it's not, I can take care of myself! I did for a whole summer while she ran off, and I've always helped before, now it's too much for me?!

She's been pushing away from me all year. She used to tell me everything and now she lies to me, she goes off without me, we hardly ever do things together anymore…first it was because of Angel, and I can understand that sorta, I mean she loves him and all…but now Faith too? I know Faith is a Slayer and they should get along and all, but /I'm/ her best friend…what if she likes Faith better than me now because Faith is tougher and cooler and all badass? Is Buffy becoming a badass? Am I not cool enough for her anymore? Stupid Faith…I could always tell she was trying to take everything away from everyone for herself. Well actually at first I thought she was kinda cool, and I thought Buffy was paranoid thinking she'd take everything of hers…but now I see it, I get it, only she's trying to take everything from me…she's trying to take Buffy. What if Buffy lets her?

She wouldn't…I mean, I've always been there for her, I've helped her with a lot. That has to count for something…right?

Faith:

Faith: Who gives a shit about any of them. Giles, Soulboy, the stupid Scoobies- even the nickname they give themselves is retarded- B… who cares what they think about me or anything I do? Not me. I don't need any of them sticking their nose into my business, judgin' me… I don't need anyone. I can look after myself. Been doin' it all my life and it seems to be goin' five by five so far…

And good thing too, 'cause none of them give a shit about me either. Red hates me, she gives me these little dirty looks when she thinks I'm not looking, looks at my clothes and makes tzhese comments like I'm some kinda slut or something. Just 'cause she's little miss virgin- whatever. I know she's just jealous, she thinks I'm gonna take B away from her and go off braiding her hair and sharing secrets or something. As if. X-Man just wants to screw me, like most guys, and now that that's over with that's all he can think about or care about. Too bad for him, I don't do with the second go kinda thing. Wolfboy's alright, he doesn't try to hump my leg or bite me or nothin', but he just watches me sometimes in this way that gives me the creeps a little…Angel too. And Giles is clueless, he wouldn't know what was up with anyone in the real world outside all the books unless you smacked him up the head with it, and even then he might fall over knocked out or something. All he cares about is Buffy, /she's/ his Slayer. She's THE Slayer- - I'm just the second rate leftover chick they go to if B has a headache or whatever.

All any of them care about is B… and how come, what is it about her that makes everyone so damn obsessed with her? She's the Slayer- so what, I'm a Slayer two. What else is there? She's not so damn perfect as they all think. Well, her ass is…but that's another story. Not gettin' into that one yet. She's self-righteous and has a stick the size of a baseball bat up her ass, and she's always whining and moaning about what a pain it is to be a Slayer and they all just feel sorry for her and let her get away with it and keep on adoring her. They think she has it so rough? She hasn't seen near the shit I have, and you don't hear me moping over it. Not that they care. Or that I do either. I don't.

B…for a Slayer, she's way too worried about followin' rules and what everyone thinks about her. I don't think she knows /what/ she wants. She acts like she's got it all figured out and she knows exactly what's up, but don't think I can't see different. I know she wants to bust out and do like me, to not give a shit. She might be stuck on Angel- god knows why- and all worried about the rules, but I know what she wants… I can see it in her eyes, feel it almost. If she'd just do what she wanted she'd be a lot happier…and so would I.

She doesn't know what the hell she wants. Sometimes she wants to be all badass, but then she pulls away and looks at me like I'm some criminal… sometimes she looks at me like she wants me, just as much as she wants what I've got..or at least she wants to be in my pants or something. But then if I make a move she shoves me away and squawks and sputters like I'm Typhoid Mary or something. Whatever…I don't need her. I don't need anyone. All I need is me. All I ever had, all I'm ever gonna get, if they wanna come along for the ride, fine…but when it comes down to it, I don't need them. Any of them.

Still…kinda wish she'd look at me like I wasn't just some stupid slut girl once in a while.


End file.
